A Barrett Essay: The Monster Inside Me

The following is an essay that I wrote as apart of my Barrett (honors college at ASU) application. The prompt was to discuss how a piece of art or pop culture helped me to realize something new about myself or the world.

The Monster Inside Me

I am the villain in my own story, self-sabotaging my way downwards through pessimism and negativity. This reality breached the surface after little fourth grade me watched an episode of Monsters Inside Me. This documentary-style tv show featured exaggerated tales of deadly viruses and parasites that plague our water and food. Typically my parents watched it at night after I was tucked in bed, except one night when I awoke to get a glass of water. I stumbled into the kitchen and saw a graphic image of a teen boy’s stomach filled with maggots. Needless to say, I was a little traumatized. That image burned itself into my ten-year-old brain and left a scar. One that would ooze fear and anxiety into my bloodstream for months. The boy and his parasites snuck their way into my dreams and kept me awake at night. Every bottle of water, blade of grass, piece of food, screamed warning signs at me to the point that I became so petrified with fear I couldn’t function properly. Mealtime was a disaster for my mother as I would question whether or not the food I was about to consume was safe and ‘maggot free”. Playing at recess made my skin crawl as my friends stuck their hands into the sand. Soon enough every little thing sent me into panic just because I feared a parasite that wasn’t even there. In fact, I was so concerned with a disease I had seen on tv that I failed to recognize the one that was really eating me alive: fear. The fear of catching something prohibited me from enjoying life. I should’ve been living care-free but I was so stuck in my head of horrors that I couldn’t see the joys of childhood anymore. Reflecting on it now, I see myself go through the same thought process over and over again. I hyper- focus on the things out of my control, the diseases, the parasites, and fail to acknowledge what I can control. I can control how I feel and react, how I deal with the obstacles that are thrown my way. I didn’t fully understand that concept at ten when my parents taught me to not be afraid of Monsters Inside Me, but I do now. I can’t let the fear of the unknown control me, I can’t focus on what could happen, I can’t allow myself to be sucked into a whirlwind of terror. I need to instead, understand that life is unpredictable but my ability to focus on what I am able to take hold of can help me better navigate the unknown. While my skin will always crawl when I think back to that episode of Monsters Inside Me, the feeling of ease will soon follow in knowing that I can prevent at least one monster from myself.

Why Not Me?

Have I procrastinated a little bit on my college applications? You tell me. I have 11 days until the most important application of my life is sent off to New Haven and I am in a complete panic over my essays that are only half done. For the past eight years, one school has been the center of my world and I can’t even begin to find the words to describe how much I want to be accepted.

Ever since I was eight years old, Yale has been my dream, my goal. The light at the end of the tunnel that leads to a world of possibility (a little overdramatic? probably). For me, Yale is my perfect fit, a place full of creativity and provoking ideas, but whenever I seem to mention to someone that I am interested in attending the great Ivy League school that is Yale, I receive one of two reactions. The first is typical amongst adults, they look at me puzzled and start to interrogate me on what I want to do with my life. The second is a simple twinkle in the eye that can only be perceived as judgment, this usually comes from my peers. Their mouths don’t dare say it but I can tell they think it’s foolish of me to think I could get into a school like Yale.

Sure both of these responses could be more offensive in my own mind as my insecurities take hold, but either way, others’ reactions have left me discouraged at times. Often I will turn my interest into a punchline in order to soften the reaction I get, diminishing myself into someone just trying to please my eight-year-old self. However, recently, I’ve regained a fire that hasn’t burned inside of me for a while now. An inferno of motivation and inspiration, that has (not entirely) obliterated my self-doubts, at least for the time being. The only question lingering in my mind right now is, “Why not me?”

My therapist has asked me this question thousand times over. Whenever I get filled with doubt in who I am and tell her I think I’m going to fail or be rejected, she always asks me, “Why not you? Someone has to get it, to be it, so why can’t that be you?” I always laughed and would simply recite a list of my weaknesses and flaws for her to sigh at, but now I think I believe it. For years I’ve been stuck in this self-fulfilling prophecy that has labeled me as an anti-academic. Someone who isn’t that smart or well-versed in school, but in reality, I am more scholarly than I have allowed myself to be.

I treasure knowledge and the expansion of my own mind. I love learning, granted about things that I’m interested in, but either way, I relish in it. I find education fascinating and enjoyable, now the actual system itself has hindered some of my love of learning, but that is an entirely different thought.

I am tired of telling myself I am only capable of X, Y, and Z when I am able to succeed in every letter of the alphabet. So, as I complete these final essays and prepare to send off a manuscript of myself, I will echo the question of, “Why not me?” as a reminder that I am more than what I allow myself to be.