The word “rest” has always left a sour taste in my mouth. The concept of slowing down and taking a break has always petrified me; if I’m not constantly contributing to society then what value do I have in the world?
I graduated from ASU about six months ago and don’t (technically) have a job. For the first time since I was about 8 years old, I have no outstanding commitments and no solid path in life. I would be lying if I said I was comfortable in the silence, in the peace.
For the first 3 months I felt like a failure. I wallowed in the assumed death of the potential for greatness I always thought I had. I was living off my savings and doing nothing but pondering my future and questioning whether I still had a bright one or not.
Since I was in third grade, I never allowed myself to be alone with my thoughts. My therapist describes me as “highly introspective” which has been one of my greatest strengths and weaknesses all at once. I’ve always had noise to fill the silence, to distract from the never-ending self-examination, but when I do find moments of tranquility I either find myself in endless despair, or on a rare occasion, incredibly serene.
Now that I truly have no distractions, no vices I’ve disguised as productivity, I am forced to face the silence. The abyss of my mind and truly dissect who I am at my core and what I want from life.
I’ve always craved the next best thing and straining myself to reach a higher and higher bar. I convinced myself that the only way to achieve greatness was to never fail and never stop. A bump in the road needs to be passed over quickly and with little consideration, because if I stay with the feeling of failure then I will never get back on track.
Today I have a different view of my life. I’m actually enjoying the slow pace right now, the empty space during the day where nothing is screaming for my attention. As much as I still crave a bustling life, I know in order to healthily navigate it when I reach it, I need to be okay with where I am now. I’ve avoided seeing me for who I am in my rawest form so long, it’s been nice to get reacquainted with myself. It still sucks and I probably have more bad days than good, but the progress from the good outweighs anything else.
I am grateful for everything that led me to where I am right now, grateful I have the opportunity to take this time — even if it means staying in my hometown longer, which used to be one of my biggest fears.
While my path in life is drastically different from what I imagined, I know my mission in life is still achievable and my goals will constantly change. And trust, when I get back to my multi-colored calendar, it will not be distractions and it will not induce a feeling of unbearable anxiety, instead it will fill me with content as I fill my cup across all aspects of life.