What does a near-death experience actually feel like?
I always imagined it to be frightening and if I ever found myself in that situation I would fight with everything in me to stay alive.
However, after “ulcer-gate,” I have come to learn it is much more peaceful than I imagined. Right before I passed out for the third time, I had a moment of realization that I may not regain consciousness. My body was weak and losing more blood by the second, I was becoming more and more delirious, and despite my best efforts, it was becoming harder to talk and make light of it all. I had already chosen to “be really chill” instead of freaking out — assuming latter would just make things worse. There was also a subconscious part of me that knew if I died, I wouldn't want to die panicking. Instead, I’d want to die with as much dignity as possible — or at least as much dignity as someone covered in their own blood in front of a bar at 12:30 a.m. could have.
As I felt my body go limp and my vision dissolve into darkness for the third time, all I could think was: You have to try and wake up, but if you don’t, you’ll be okay. I didn’t really see a bright light or anything like that, just a wash of peace over me, like someone was tucking me into bed after I had already fallen asleep.
Not to spoil it, but I did wake up, and ironically, the waking up part was scarier than the drifting away. It was like I had awoken in someone else’s body. I was scared and frantic and felt like the fire to keep fighting had finally been lit within me.
It’s funny how the “not dying” part of almost dying was the most jarring and I think the reason for it, is because I felt so okay with the “dying” part.
I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me, death was something that felt calm and warm. It almost felt welcoming. Maybe it’s because I believe in an afterlife with a loving God or maybe it’s because my body and mind were too weak to process what was happening. Either way. the act of dying doesn't scare me as much anymore, instead, it’s the reality of being dead that terrifies me more.
I have always been afraid of death and the permanence of what that means. Now I am working more to find a way to be okay with the concept of ceasing to exist.