tw: eating disorders
It’s like riding a bike. Once you learn how, you never forget.
I made myself lunch today and as I sat down to eat, I realized that I had been counting the calories while I was cooking. I wasn’t going out of my way to look at the numbers or to calculate it out, but I still knew the number for each spring roll as I brought them to my mouth. It was like instinct. I’ve counted my calories for so many years that I trained my subconscious to do it on its own.
And I wish I could unlearn it.
How many calories in this bite?
How many more minutes until I can stop running?
How many more miles until I pass out?
For years, I’ve been obsessed with these numbers. Making sure that I met the “requirements” I needed to look “good”, to feel “good”. I engrained them into my mind now and now no matter how hard I try to step away from the constant critiquing, it always sneaks its way back into my life. It doesn’t matter how much I want to get better, how much I want to be okay, how much I want to be healthy, I still fall right before I reach a healthy relationship with food.
But this time I actually believe I can do it, I can get better. I’m not just telling myself that I’ll be okay over and over again so I’ll believe it. I know I’ll be okay. I realize that it’s not so much a matter of unlearning it but instead learning a new way to combat it.
And I think I’ll reach it this time.