Seventy percent of people with bipolar disorder drop out of college.
The first 18 years of my life were riddled with excess. I convinced myself that overachieving wasn’t satisfactory enough which lead to burnout after burnout and I ended up staying in-state at my last choice school (UofA doesn’t count lol).
I entered ASU with the mindset of still needing to be the best and used the cloud of defeat over my head as motivation. I also started this new chapter of my life with a new diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
For a while, I convinced myself that I didn’t need to put much attention or focus on it. I told myself, “I’ve always been bipolar, this diagnosis just puts a name to it, and I’ve done just fine so far, so why center my life around it?”
Hindsight is 20/20 and I actually wasn’t doing fine and — if I’m being totally honest — have never really been doing fine. I had a recent realization that I have never been medically stable. My therapist has told me this a number of times, but it’s only just hit me now because for the first time in my entire life, I am not in fight or flight mode.
Even during the periods of time where I was good and stable, I was still using all of my energy 24/7 to just get through to the next day. I ignored my bipolar disorder until I was incapable of pretending it didn’t exist. Then I’d fall or float into an episode and scramble to put together some semblance of a regular daily routine when I was grounded again. I told myself and everyone around me that I was fine and at some points I believed it.
But now as an official a college graduate who walked across the stage with no honors or awards and no job — something that 18-year-old me would’ve had an actual psychotic break over — I have recognized that I am not fine and that’s okay.
I am not healthy or sane or stable or functional. I haven’t just been dealing with the regular ebb and flow of life. The reality is, I have been neglecting a life-altering neurological mood disorder for four years.
I am aware that this sounds incredibly pessimistic and I don’t want to discredit any of the actual progress I’ve made, but I think it’s an important thing to admit. I am finally in a phase of my life where I can allow myself to really hone in on my mental health and figure out how to heal so I can live a functional life. Maybe I’m not fine, but I am content and I am alive, and those are things I didn’t think I would be at 22.
I beat the odds of graduating college and I plan to continue to beat the odds of any and everything else I do, if not for me, then for everyone who isn’t able to. My view of success has shifted from an abundance of accolades to simple progress.
If I can do my part to make headway for the next person then that is all that matters to me. I don’t totally know what it’ll look like yet, but I am excited to see what the future holds.
To anyone with bipolar disorder out there who is starting college, in college, dropped out of college or anywhere in-between and beyond, please know that it’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to prioritize yourself, it’s not selfish or stagnant, it’s critical.