Back to School

tw: eating disorders

I have been back to in-person school for about a month now. For me, school is a cesspool of insecurity and provides hundreds of nooks and crannies for me to hide my disorder in. So, when I made the decision to come back in person, I was terrified of what that could mean for me and my recovery process.

In the past, school made it easy to conceal my disorders. Skipping breakfast was just an indication that I was running late and having to lead club meetings during lunch every day just meant that I was too busy to eat lunch. Then with after-school activities and events, I could just tell my parents that I had eaten while I was out. School didn’t just produce stress from homework and deadlines and extracurriculars, but it also incited copious amounts of food anxiety in me. Being surrounded by so much insecurity and self-consciousness left me incapable of truly recovering and finding peace in my physical being.

I think that is why I loved being online so much. There was no one always surrounding me that I could compare myself to. It was easier to avoid those triggering scenarios where I felt I stuck out like a sore thumb and I could actually take time to attack the insecurities that lied within me. I was me and me alone left to face my own faults.

Thankfully though, I have been able to return to school pretty okay with myself. I eat lunch every day and don’t feel bad about it. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to always feel like everyone is watching me consume each calorie and judging me based on it. I actually find a bit of enjoyment in socially eating with my friends and don’t feel the need to google nutrition facts for each of my meals.

To anyone else who can understand where I am coming from, don’t think that you need to have the perfect circumstances to recover and don’t think you need to be just the right size to feel happy. Take time for yourself, whether it be a few minutes or hours or a day or more, just take time for yourself to spend with you. During that time, point out all of the beautiful things that you love about yourself, and even if you can’t think of anything, just enjoy the company that you are able to provide because eventually you will be able to name a list of things that you love about yourself, I guarantee it.

"You Look Good"

tw: eating disorders, body dysmorphia

“You look good”. A phrase that seems so simple and menial at face value but holds more weight than one can imagine. I can recall almost every time someone has said this to me and for the most part, I wish I didn’t.

This phrase has been an affirmation indicating that I am healing in my disorder as well as a testament to my success in starvation. It has been a guiding light in my journey towards recovery, always leading me back to the beginning. I’m sure many people who have dealt with the pains of an eating disorder can relate to the anxiety that surrounds “getting better”. I hated being told I looked “healthier” and “happier”, it meant that I was gaining weight, going back to old habits. Despite the fact that those habits were keeping me away from the brink of death, I saw them as an indication of failure. I was failing to uphold my restrictions and maintain my path to skinny. Being told that I “looked good” meant that they could physically see the results of my healing and it stung on my skin.

On the flip side, being told that I “looked good” because I had lost weight or because I fit my clothes better was just motivation to continue the process of skipping meals. If I looked good then it didn’t matter how I got there, all that mattered was that I was there.

Either way, that utterly stupid phrase has been constantly stuck in the back of my mind, ready to pull me farther into my sickness at every moment. I know that it is impossible to regulate how people go about complimenting me, but I find it so fascinating how one simple sentence that I hope always holds good intentions can lead to so much mental agony.

Costco Steak

tw: eating disorders

On December 1, I started a food elimination. My doctor had me do a food sensitivity test to try and see if I was having digestion issues due to painful stomach aches that I got when I was stressed. To her and my surprise, a plethora of different foods showed up red on my chart so she suggested I do a food elimination for four weeks to reset my system.

Initially, I was petrified, I was in recovery, I couldn’t afford to relapse into my old habits of restriction. I was afraid that because I had a medical order to limit what foods I ate, I would use it as an excuse to starve myself. But I pushed forward and agreed to the four-week food elimination. I told myself that I would eat and that it was necessary for me to do so.

I am 6 days away from it being over now. Three weeks on this journey and I am okay. I haven’t purged or intentionally deprived myself of food. I’ve nourished my body and even allowed myself to eat fear foods. In all honesty, I didn’t think I would be able to do it. It was mentally challenging and stressful at times, but I think it has in turn given me an insight on how far I’ve come. How much I have improved and strengthened my mind. As I have made this discovery I have decided to challenge myself a bit and incorporate fear foods into my meals.

My diet consists of mostly seafood and some poultry, which evidently are foods I haven’t been able to consume for the past three weeks. One of the biggest food challenges that I have faced is eating steak. I have avoided red meat for almost five years now (minus once in Texas), due to health benefits but also due to fear of the calories and the richness of the meat. So a week ago I forced myself to toughen up and tackle a piece of steak, I needed the iron and protein after all. It was pretty good, I ate it and I lived to tell the tale. Eating a steak, a food that I have avoided like the plague, made me feel comfortable. I felt safe and content with where I was in my life, despite all of the stress and anxiety that builds in my mind every day, something that used to feel like Everest, was a minor bump in the road to me now.

It may sound silly to find this much power and self-acceptance in a Costco steak, but to me, it’s more than that. It’s another step in my recovery that I don’t think I would’ve taken if it weren’t for this food elimination.

Ate

tw: eating disorders

I would like to put a little disclaimer and say that I am not sponsored (I do not have the following for that). So this review is completely of my own opinion.

If you have ever had an unhealthy relationship with food, there has probably come a time where you downloaded MyFitnessPal or some other calorie counting app. You start to become obsessed with the numbers and you can’t stop. It’s almost like an addiction.

In my journey of recovery, I have tried to stop counting calories in many different ways. Each one has lead me right back to tracking the numbers. However, I recently discovered the app Ate. It’s a meal tracking app but it focuses on mindful eating and getting you to a goal of feeling happy and healthy. My psychiatrist that I used to see for my eating disorders, would always tell me to eat intuitively. I tried many times to just eat when I was hungry and then stop when I was full, but kept feeling the need to track my meals

I continuously fell back into old habits. I couldn't just not track what I ate. I had spent so many years measuring and weighing and counting my food that cutting it all cold turkey was too much for me to handle. With Ate, I am able to not only document each meal but also how it made me feel and what I enjoyed about it.

I think that by keeping track of how each meal makes me feel, has helped me to become more in tune with my body and what it needs to get me through the day. I’ve only used it for a week or so, but it has helped me already in being more mindful of my eating habits in a healthy way. Now is it still hard? Yes, it very much is. Not seeing a number next to each meal is hard to get used to. I still find myself adding everything up in my head and keeping a mental note of it. This reflex is going to go away eventually but it’s going to take some time. I spent years conditioning myself to think this way and it’s going to take years to recondition myself, but I have confidence I can do it.

And I have confidence you can too! Obviously everyone’s road to recovery is a little different, but if you’re like me and need to be able to see your meals lined up from the day I recommend this app. I hope to no longer feel the urge to have to track anything one day but for now this is my method.

If you download the app please let me know how you like it on my instagram @morganlingcom. I would love to be able to support anyone on their journey to recovery!

Numbers

tw: eating disorders

It’s like riding a bike. Once you learn how, you never forget.

I made myself lunch today and as I sat down to eat, I realized that I had been counting the calories while I was cooking. I wasn’t going out of my way to look at the numbers or to calculate it out, but I still knew the number for each spring roll as I brought them to my mouth. It was like instinct. I’ve counted my calories for so many years that I trained my subconscious to do it on its own.

And I wish I could unlearn it.

How many calories in this bite?

How many more minutes until I can stop running?

How many more miles until I pass out?

For years, I’ve been obsessed with these numbers. Making sure that I met the “requirements” I needed to look “good”, to feel “good”. I engrained them into my mind now and now no matter how hard I try to step away from the constant critiquing, it always sneaks its way back into my life. It doesn’t matter how much I want to get better, how much I want to be okay, how much I want to be healthy, I still fall right before I reach a healthy relationship with food.

But this time I actually believe I can do it, I can get better. I’m not just telling myself that I’ll be okay over and over again so I’ll believe it. I know I’ll be okay. I realize that it’s not so much a matter of unlearning it but instead learning a new way to combat it.

And I think I’ll reach it this time.

Maybe

TW: eating disorders

Every time I think about my eating disorder, I always focus on the amount of time I spend on it. The time spent on counting calories, measuring out portions, thinking about the next meal. It makes me wonder about who I would be if I had spent that time doing something different. Something worth it.

Maybe if I wasn't so focused on food then I would be a better student. All of those long days at school on an empty stomach were spent doodling on paper and daydreaming. Not because I wasn’t interested In the agenda for the day, but because I couldn't see straight when I looked at the board. My thoughts were loud, making sure I remembered I wasn’t allowed to eat yet, instead of the notes I was writing. Maybe if I didn’t think about how I looked sitting at a desk all day I would know calculus and be able to multiply at the drop of a hat. Maybe if I had eaten my meals more regularly I would remember what we talked about in world history. Maybe if I wasn’t worried about my esophaguses rupturing I would’ve paid better attention in Spanish class and would understand subjunctives. I can only imagine the student that I could’ve been if I just payed a little more attention.

Maybe if I wasn’t so focused on food then I would be a better friend. My heart drops every time I decline an invitation to a party or a sleepover because I know that I should go, but then they would smell the bile on my breath. I don’t want to have to say no again because I binged so badly that my chest became heavy and my stomach started to hurt. Maybe if I allowed myself to nourish my body I wouldn't push away my friends. Maybe if I didn’t punish myself for every little decision I made I would be able to enjoy the company of others. Maybe if I loved myself a little more, I wouldn’t be so jealous of the people I surround myself with. I can’t wait for the day that I stop comparing myself to the people I love the most.

Maybe if I wasn’t so focused on food then I would be a better daughter. I can recall most of the times where I’ve lashed out on my parents when they’ve said something or gave me something just because I was nutrient deprived. Seeing the pain in their eyes when I start to cry cause I ate more than I wanted to makes my heart break. Maybe if I didn't need to weigh out everything I ate I would be able to enjoy family dinners. Maybe if I just ate a sufficient amount of food I wouldn't get frustrated at the sound my mom’s voice. Maybe if I just accepted that I am perfectly fine as I am, my parents wouldn’t talk about how much my pain hurts them behind my back. I don't want to continue to drag my parents down with me anymore.

My mind floods with hypothetical situations daily. Constantly pondering what could’ve been. Fun fact, it doesn’t help to focus on the what ifs. I’ve wasted so much time on wondering who I would be if I was okay with myself, instead of actually working to make myself okay. I want to stop wasting time and letting myself get caught up in all of the ‘maybes’, and one day I will.

Day 1

The first step is always the hardest. Especially when you’ve taken hundreds of first steps towards the same goal and the only thing that you can see ahead of you is the path right back to where you’re standing.

Out of everything, eating disorders are the hardest for me to talk about. For years I have struggled with my body image and it’s still painful to admit that. This isn’t to say that everything else is simple and easy to deal with, there is just something about eating disorders that makes my stomach turn.

So obviously my solution is to push through that discomfort in order to find a happy ending. I will be dedicating this page to eating disorder stories in hopes to spread some awareness, maybe help someone else struggling, and ultimately help me to recover.