“On one hand I feel like it’s a good thing I’m working on this, but on the other, I don’t think I want to work on this now.”
That was how I ended my therapy session today, bittersweet and a little disheartening. I thought I had moved passed the stage of healing where I was convinced that if I just fixed one thing then my life would be perfect. I thought I had crushed that unrealistic expectation for myself and was moving on to more tangible realities. But the truth is that I simply switched what I thought needed to be fixed.
I’ve come to terms — mostly — with the fact that I will forever be bipolar and have OCD and live with my mental illnesses, but I failed to acknowledge that all my faults and all of my struggles could be because of other factors in my life. I never accounted for the fact that I may have issues beyond my mental deficiencies and that is far scarier to talk through than anything else.
It’s so much easier to deal with your life when you have a scapegoat.
“It’s because of my bipolar.”
“Oh it’s just because I have OCD.”
“My eating disorder caused this.”
Having something to blame makes you feel less eager to tackle the issue because if you take your meds on time and go to therapy every week then that’s enough. But the reality is, it’s not enough, it can never be enough.
I’m working on my relationship building skills now and for the longest time I thought that everyone else was the problem. People were toxic and hurtful and immature and that was why I didn't feel like I had a community. And while yes part of the blame can be placed on the people I surrounded myself with, the majority part falls on me.
And I have been in denial that it falls on me this entire time. I’ve been blind to it.
Facing myself is a lot harder than facing my mental illnesses, because there is no scapegoat. I can’t blame anyone or anything else, just blame who I have been wired to be.
And while this step in my life is a terrifying thing, it is also the only real tangible sign that I have grown. I am finally out of survival mode and am able to tackle the inner workings of who I am. I don’t need to constantly fight to make it through the day, instead I can breathe and focus on who I am and want to become.
For the first time I can see a future for myself that isn’t riddled with worst case scenarios.